Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Pizza is an emotion right?

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Some people were born into their job.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.