Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?