@sonictyrant
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
@fridaycandy
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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@sonictyrant
@Ristolable
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
@LeBearGirdle
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
@MNateShyamalan
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
@Mom_Overboard
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
@ArfMeasures
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
@Izianikapani
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
@Mr_Kapowski
Wife: I got our daughter a surprise for her birthday but don’t let the cat out of the bag
Me: YOU GOT HER A CAT?
Kid: *upstairs* YAAAYYYY!
@KeetPotato
[answers my phone]
“hello?”
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”
@Hemant_i_am
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!