@fridaycandy

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

You Might Also Like

@aveuaskew

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

@Holy_Mowgli

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

@HenpeckedHal

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

@Dustinkcouch

interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i’m so sorry

me: don’t be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i’m not an idiot.

interviewer:

me: i’m gonna kill its dad

@batkaren

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

@outsmartedmommy

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@TheAndrewNadeau

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

@barryjohnharper

Why do they provide drugs while giving birth but not for the 18yrs of motherhood afterwards?