Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in

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therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see


For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me


Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite


my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden


[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out


Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool


If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.


Wife: I got our daughter a surprise for her birthday but don’t let the cat out of the bag


Kid: *upstairs* YAAAYYYY!


[answers my phone]
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”