Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
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judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
This dude got his own movie?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Bike is short for Bichael.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m giving up ice.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!