Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I am thick and tired. 🙄
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”