Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.