Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
We will use anything but the metric system
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Cannot stop laughing at this
True statement👍😏😁
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
