Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

The pen is writier than the sword.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

This is me 🤣🤣

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.