Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
You Might Also Like
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude