Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?