Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.