Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place