Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Oh my god
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.