Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.