When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Natty or not?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]