Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
You Might Also Like
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…