Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.