Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My birth announcement for our third baby
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important