Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler