Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.