Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

The French cow says MEUX…

My dad is at it again

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

*performs CPR on the turkey*

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.