Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

THE DOG😭😭💀

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

the prophecies have been fulfilled

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”