Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.