Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.