Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
You Might Also Like
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
an octopus is just a wet spider
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”