Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Always…
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously