Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated đ§
You Might Also Like
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
Itâs less hassel that way.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[grandmaâs house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time youâre having this communication issue?
Me: Iâm sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when youâre done
ME:
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
â i saw your exâ
A very unnecessary piece of information
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeahâŚ
âConstant super-visionâ
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
âAh wellâ
âNever mind, ehâ
âWasnât meant to beâ
âShameâ
âCould be worseâ
âSuch is lifeâ
âHey hoâ
âCanât be helpedâ
âMustnât grumbleâ
âRightâ
âIt is what it isâ
âI knew itâ
âWeâre still alive⌠barelyâ
âAt least itâs not rainingâ
âIâll put the kettle onâ
âWeâll laugh about this one dayâ
âTypicalâ
âBuggerâ
If youâve ever asked yourself, âwhat if Cartman grew up and became president?â, wellâŚ
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, âWhen was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?â
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clockâs a bit fast
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: Thatâs not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* Youâll all be sorry!
me: I really canât stay
him: but, baby itâs-
me: *tail lights*
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Everyoneâs gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: Iâm here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. Thatâs just a piece of paper that says âIâm sorryâ and âyou were rightâ
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a âprotection racketâ?
âNice house youâve got here. Itâd be a shame if it got egged.â
âSorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plateâ- my autobiography
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters