Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.