Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
every college guy’s fridge
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner