Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated đ§
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldnât have happened if it had been a Snickers.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
âLife Is a Highwayâ has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room Iâm about to sleep in.
Iâm now on year 3 of the â7 day ab challengeâ
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didnât want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Boss âIâm looking for a volunteer.â
Me *chops off own legs âI canât!â
Co-worker âIâm busy, sorry.â
Me âdamn, thatâs a better excuse.â
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bankâŚ.
âThis is where I get off.â
Me: yeah, Iâm not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My daughter is so criticalâŚ
âAnother cup of coffee?â
âThatâs a lot of salt.â
âYour pants are on inside out. Again.â
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if youâre 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently itâs merely a suggestion.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of âdishes in the sink are lavaâ
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but Iâm never gonna give you UP.
A librarian with a sense of humourâŚ
#Oscars
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds âfitâ to bio before collapsing]
I think itâs cool when websites donât show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, thatâs exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? Thatâs right, wolves.
âHow deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?â
âHmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the personâs toes while they shower.â
âPerfect.â
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldnât even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one diedâŚ
ME: My dogâs so happy Iâm working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Canât, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me âbabe.â That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closingâŚ