Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

Good morning

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

I think they could have phrased this better

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.