Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Fun Things

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers