Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
accurate
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”