Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”