Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words