Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
