Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.