Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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Monday Lisa
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president