Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
my favorite genre of twitter
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.