Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Spring cleaning checklist…
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Put this video in the Louvre
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.