Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
You Might Also Like
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
He instantly became one of the bros
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.