Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.