Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

Every time.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs