Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me :
All Day At Night
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
🙋♀️
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie