Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here: