Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing