Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

twitter users today:

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*