Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
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I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.