Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private