Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

My typo game is string.

this is what they would have looked like, though

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

never stops being funny

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”