Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Ears are great for tucking your hair behind in the wind. Big shout out to ears.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?