Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

the short answer to this question

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”