Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Storm Tropical Storm
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”