Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

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The Chosen Phew

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly