Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.