Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

🌲😼

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.