Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I know karate and tons of other words.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.