Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

23. the denim jacket

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.