Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.