Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

My fantasy football season is going great

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back