Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
WWE is French for “yes”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough