Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
are they though??
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee