Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Be vigilant
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.