Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Breaking news:

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

linkedin the good parts

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar