Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

We need more people like this.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

So that’s what we looked like?

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.