Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
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You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I’d love this…lol
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]