Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
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People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits