Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
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8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Day 2 of my diet
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?