Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Bring back the McRib
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads